I'm sick and tired of people bitching about their lives being so full of shit to do and all this bullshit and then having them turn around and just fucking forget about it all. (Note: Maybe if you want to get up early everyday and get into a regular routine, you shouldn't be fucking around until 2:30am when you have to get up at 7:30, just saying.)



Not to sound like a bitch but, I don't need to fucking listen to anyones small talk right now. There is deeper shit to be dealt with. I am already going crazy thinking about how I am going to be continuing on for the next 6 months. My mind is racing from drastic measure to drastic measure and I am trying to figure out a plan that will keep me alive while acheiving all the ridiculously impossible goals I have for myself - some of them may even be considered "self-harm" by means of drastic measures. But what women is a women without being drastic? Women are known for the melodramatic attitudes and silicone malicious smiles.



Drastic method no. 1
Eat only what I must to sustain myself and enjoy it.
Eat only health conscious and do not indulge frequently.
Exercise daily to keep body, muscles and health intact.

Drastic method no. 2
Drink not any beverage that ceonsist of juice, pop or sugar.
Only tea, coffee and water will suffice until health goal is attained.
Make sure to abstain from alcoholic beverages as they are filled with large quantities of calories.

Drastic method no. 3
If I must exercise daily, I must do a variety of activies per day as not to get bored.
These activies shall include 30 minutes to one hour of cardio.
Which is often but not limited to dancing, pillates and exercise ball routine regiment.
Twenty minutes of some type of meditative action including yoga or zazen.
And last, minimum of twenty minutes per day of weigh/resistance training for arms and legs.

Drastic method no. 4
I will not call people who do not  answer their phones.
This includes people who I am no longer concerned with and people who, further, disappoint me.
I will delete their numbers from my memory for further usage.

Drastic method no. 5
I will treat my personal hygiene with top priority as I must take pride in my body and it's appearance so I am able to feel self-confident and healthy.

Drastic method no. 6
I will depend only on myself for I am the only one I can depend on.
I have learned this after years of suffering and am finally sick and tired of being pushed to the side by the people I confided in. It's my turn to be selfish to benefit myself and if I will feel no remorse as long as the end end result is my success and happiness.
Friends are privileges and they will NOT be there for you always as they have promised you, you are the only one who can help you unless you have hired a paid health advisor such as a psychiatrist or counsellor and sometimes, even they can't help you.

Drastic method no. 7
I will accept my suffering as personal growth.
As one of the steps into following Buddhism is accepting that Life is Suffering.
I will cry alone when I please and I will bitch about it onto paper or keypads.

Drastic method no. 8
I will follow through with things that I promised or said I'd do.
As I despise when others do not do what they say they will.
I will do what I say even if my lungs and feet are bludgened and bleeding by the end of the day.

Drastic method no. 9
I will accompolish what I want and I will get the fuck out of here even if it means doing something drastic.

Drastic method no. 10
Fuck everyone else, it's time for me to be happy.

The moths and I deserve this after 19 years of pain.



 

Ready  to move on again from quite a few things.
I'll miss alot of these things but, they are all just bringing me down.
Now I can freely say, everyone who had no reason to hate me but decided to anyway.
Fuck you.

You're not worth my time, energy and emotional stability.
Leaving the past behind me starting tomorrow and making a new life.

 

It was fucking fantastic!

J1, You are my best friend and I love you.

Stephen Fry

I may be an agoraphobic.

 

 

We went inside and sat on my bed at seperate ends and tried to draw each other free hand. His portraits made me appear to be a young asian man and I had made one appear to be an elderly man and the second being similar to Pony Boy in "the Outsiders". He told me how he missed me and I said I'd missed him aswell - very much. J2 and I are similar in a way where we recluse from others when we feel hurt or lonely. We compliment each other as friends. I'm gald we are spending time together again. I've missed him quite alot over the months. Although J1 did make an appearance at my house with S1 and made the scenario quite awkward as J1 and J2 are not on the best of terms as of two years ago. (I hope this privacy policy I am trying to install in my writing isn't making it hard to understand.)

J2 and I spoke for a few more moments before his ride was to be expected on the floor level. I took him to the lobby and opened the door for him. He saw his car parked outside and quickly gave me a tight hug and thanked me for the time we spent together. As he requested, I gave him a peck on the cheek as he pat me lightly on the back and began to walk away from me waving. In some ways, I think J2 needed this time just as much as I did. Staring at the stars with an old close friend was relaxing in a way I can't describe the sensation in words as much as I'd love to.

After J2 left, I had an overwhelming change of mood. Feeling lost and unable to write although, I forced myself to do so.
I am feeling better now. Much better although my stomach does not agree with my emotions. It is declaring war at the moment.

Love, Лада (Lada)

Lights admist the darkened sky,
Lie above the stars that cry,
Came about one sweetly flourishing it's beauty to me,
As steam rose from white pear steeped tea,
Joined the air of which we all breathe,
It danced for a moment before it would leave,
Now I gaze to the charcoal sky,
Waiting upon majestic events up high,
Airplances, satelites and a gorgeous galaxy,
Opens my soul for it to be free.